I am a working actor. You might even call me a thespian. I recently landed a role in an off-beat indie film as “Meth Head #4.” I’m ecstatic. It’s good, honest, union work. While most of my peers were gunning for #1, #2 or #3, I knew that #4 had more pathos, humor and character heft than the other three combined, albeit with far less screen time. My question is this.: Do I really need to try meth to master this role? I heard Jon Hamm never smoked a single cigarette on Mad Men. Please help me.
Here’s the deal: you call yourself an actor, but you aren’t willing to go the extra mile for your craft. What do you think Brando or Danny Day-Lewis would smoke in your position? You must know the answer. They know the answer - and one of them is dead. Konstantin Stanislavski, God rest his soul, would be ashamed of your lack of faith. Remember, they don’t call it “method acting” for nothing.
I have been using meth for several months. It’s fun. It’s quick. I’m quick. I’m fun. Quicker than normal. Funner than usual. I know it’s a bit of a cliché, but my home used to be a pigsty and now it’s quite tidy. Before meth I had accepted biohazards as a necessary part of city living. The trouble is, I don’t have a vacuum at the moment. Before my next fix I’d like to invest in something rather robust. Do you know how long it takes to clean an apartment with nothing more than a wet paper towel and a dustpan? Got any recommendations?
Everyone loves Dyson, including me. Oreck had his moment in the late nineties. Hoover remains the gray standard. Nothing to sneeze at, in fact, sneezing is much rarer with a good vacuum. Though I can’t say the same about meth.
The other day, a dear friend, who knows of my affinity for amphetamines of all shapes and sizes, told me he absolutely adored “the meth.” While we’ve bonded through the years over our many shared interests, this was news to me. Pelting cars with snowballs, whistling Mozart and overcooking garlic. Yet I’ve never had the privilege of doing meth with him. You’re probably wondering what the problem is. Allow me to elaborate, he has a substantial lisp. Now I’m wondering if this was like the time he wanted to “kith me” or just “thay hello.” What you do think?
Loose lips sink ships and loots lisps think shifts. That’s what you have to do to navigate your predicament. Shift your thinking. Let’s underscore that he said “the meth,” like many of our nation’s founders once referred to “the gout.” That makes me wonder if he was talking about our favorite subject at all. You say you like Mozart. He could have meant The Met, as in The Metropolitan Opera. Or maybe The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Do you know if he’s a Mets fan? One by one, take him to the opera, museum and ballpark, all while partaking yourself in Monsieur M, before offering any of your stash. Then and only then will you know the meaning behind his suspect enunciation.
